


I'll Be Your Bert...(If You Be My Ernie)

by KnightOfDestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Crowley and Dean totally did stuff when Dean was a demon, Demon Dean, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Implied gay sex, M/M, Sexual References, Sloppy Makeouts, Split-personality disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-17 10:49:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4663809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnightOfDestiel/pseuds/KnightOfDestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crowley reveals what really happened between him and Dean in those six weeks he was a demon, Dean is his snarky seductive self as usual, Cas is hopeless and Sam is just 100% done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this is my first post on AO3 although I have been writing fanfics for quite some time so it's not my first rodeo. This work is really just a crack idea that came to me one day and I actually liked how it turned out. 
> 
> So, just to clear something up, in this particular fic, Dean was not fully cured of being a demon in 10x03 and basically has a split-personality between his human side and demon side. Its an odd headcanon that I personally think should have happened later in season 10, but obviously it didn't so I decided to write this instead.

"For the last time, Crowley, GET OUT!" Dean yelled, taking another swig from his beer. His kicked his jean-clad legs up onto the bunker's coffee table, earning Bitchface #33 from Sam.

''Could you not? We do eat on this table!"

''And?" Came Dean's snarky remark.

''Don't be such a child!" Sam snapped back at his older brother, voice raising. Dean stuck out his tongue. ''Oh my god, you're infuriating!"

A new, British voice jumped into the conversation. "I have to agree with Moose on this one, Squirrel.''

Dean whirled on him, eyes narrowed to slits. ''Crowley, I swear to God, shut up before I kick your limey ass into next week!"

''Wouldn't be the first thing you've done to my ass...''Crowley muttered under his breath.

Sam coughed, choking on his beer while Dean's eyes widened to a size that Crowley had thought previously to be physically impossible.

''WHAT THE FUCK, CROWLEY?!"

''Just telling the truth.''

Sam cleared his throat, looking mildly disturbed at what Crowley was implying. ''Oh god, I think I choked.''

Dean smirked, lowering his voice slightly but his tone still held unmistakable smugness. ''So did he.''

If it was possible for demons to blush or to be humiliated, it was certain that Crowley would be at that time. For once, the King of Hell had no witty comeback.

Sam's face contorted into a mask of disgust. ''Oh god...''

''Mmm, nope. Just little old me. But your brother called me that on more than one occasion so don't feel bad, Moose.''

Dean's face turned crimson but easily came back with a snarky comment. ''Well, you did get the little part right. I thought you sold your soul for three extra inches? 'Cause it really didn't help you at all.''

Crowley opened his mouth to retort but was cut off by a very disturbed Sam. ''Can we please not talk about you two in bed together?"

Crowley sighed, but then got a mischievous glint in his eye. ''Fine, then let's talk about your brother and Hot Wings in bed together...''

An unreadable expression crossed over Dean's features but he quickly hid it. ''What about me and Cas?'' he demanded.

Crowley scoffed. ''Oh please. If you ever had the chance, you'd ride Feathers like a pony and you know it.''

Dean blushed so hard he appeared to have the complexion of a tomato. ''Excuse me?''

''Don't deny it, Squirrel. I've seen the way you look at him. Like a cliche teenage movie. Obnoxious, really.''

Dean turned to Sam in desperation. ''Can you believe this ass-clown?"

Sam tried to hide a smile but ultimately failed. ''Well...he does have a point...''

Dean stared at his baby brother.'' Excuse me? If you haven't noticed, Cas is a dude and so am I! And I am completely, 100% straight and-''

''Dean?" A new voice came from behind the said man, making him whirl around. He came face-to-face with an angel in a dirty trench coat. Literally face-to-face. Like...less than 4 inches between the two's lips. All the blood that had been collecting in Dean's face rushed south in a heartbeat.

''Cas...''Dean croaked, attempting a smile and taking a step backwards, praying that no one would notice what was slowly forming in his pants. ''Hey, man. What's up?"

''I heard you calling my name,''Cas replied, earning twin snickers from Sam and Crowley in the background which Dean desperately tried to ignore.

Dean fought the undeniable urge to turn around and glare at his little brother and former fuck-buddy. ''Oh...yeah, um....we were just talking.''

''About what?"Cas inquired, tipping his head to one side, one of many actions that made Dean's heart stutter in his chest.

''Gay sex,'' Crowley dead-panned, earning a choked snort of laughter from Sam and a death-glare from Dean. Crowley grinned. ''Now Dean, quit being such a tease. The last time you looked at me like that, I got laid.''

Castiel frowned. ''Are you implying that you and Dean engaged in sexual intercourse?"

''Yes, love. I am.''

A ripple of jealousy might of crossed over the angel's flawless (what, no!? I didn't say that!) complexion, or it might have been just a figment of Dean's imagination. The hunter decided to go with the latter. Cas turned to look at Dean head-on. ''Is this true?"

Dean blushed, staring at his shoes and refusing to meet the angel's azure blue stare. ''I was drunk...and a demon who had no conscious. Give me a break.''

''Well,'' Crowley jumped in once again. ''To be fair you still technically are, just not all of the time. And he wasn't thinking about rolling in the sheets with me when he actually was...''

Without so much as a warning, Dean flicked his wrist with ease, sending the King of Hell flying and causing both the angel and the other hunter to jump. Even after they had found out that the demon still resided in the hunter's body even if it only came out to play every once and a while, Sam and Cas had never truly gotten used to Dean having the most mojo of them all. Dean shrugged, eyes flitting black for a split-second before returning to their normal mossy-green hue. ''Don't say I didn't give you the opportunity to shut your pie-hole.''

Turning back to his angel, yes, his angel. Apparently, letting the Knight of Hell inside you take the reins for a bit gives you a hell of a confidence boost. He took a couple strides forward, his trademark smirk playing on his plump lips. ''Hey, Cas? Remember when we went after Raphael together for the first time?"

Cas frowned in slight confusion, but nodded none the less. ''Yes, of course. You took me to a place of hedonism in a failed attempt for me to loose my virginity.''

Dean laughed slightly, remembering. ''Do you remember the two things I told you before we headed off to the strip club?" Once again, Cas nodded his head.

Dean inched closer to him, a smirk tugging at his lips as he soon found himself less than a foot away from the angel's bewildered face. He leaned in even closer, his hot breath of Castiel's neck, sending pleasurable chills down the fallen angel's spine, as he whispered into his ear. ''Well...I'll be your Bert if you be my Ernie...''

A pink stain spread across the angel's cheekbones as he gazed into the human/demon hybrid's (green) eyes. ''I'd like that.''

Dean's smirk grew wider as he inched in even closer. ''Good.'' Without giving Cas to comprehend what was happening, Dean crashed his lips onto his, powerful and dominating. Cas kissed back just as forcefully, letting Dean's probing tongue to has access to his waiting wet mouth. Dean walked backwards, seating himself onto the living room table, pulling Cas onto his lap and sending sheets and articles of paper flying onto the bunker floor.

Cas found his fingers twisted into Dean's brown-blonde hair, noticing that it was a bit longer than he normally would have worn it. Dean gave a little moan of pleasure into Cas's mouth, sending sparks throughout his entire being. He ground his hips down onto the Knight's as he felt him reaching to remove his trenchcoat. Castiel decided to do the same, removing his fingers regretfully from Dean's hair and down to the hem of his shirt. He lifted it off of Dean's body, throwing it somewhere on the floor. Once Dean got the trenchcoat off, he reached for Castiel's dress shirt, not spending time on the numerous buttons, instead ripping it off of Cas's lithe frame, sending the buttons scattering.

''JESUS FUCKING CHRIST GUYS, WE ARE STILL HERE!" Dean was well aware that his brother was yelling at the pair, while Crowley sat with an expression of mixed amusement and arousal. And either Cas didn't hear then by being so caught up in the moment, or like him, didn't give a damn.

Sam turned to the King of Hell when he finally realized that those two weren't listening. ''They're not actually going to fuck on the table in the middle of the main room, are they?"

''Demon who has no shame and an angel that doesn't fully understand the word privacy, no Sam, they're not,'' Crowley snarked.

Sam's face wrinkled in disgust. ''Remind me to burn that table after.''


	2. Sam is Unamoosed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once Sam decides to return to the bunker after letting Dean and Castiel have some fun, let's just say he doesn't stick around. Also, he may be a slight pyromaniac.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had the urge to write something crack-y and what better thing to do than add another chapter to this masterpiece.
> 
> GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR KUDOS AND COMMENTS FOR THE FIRST CHAPTER, you literally made me break out into a huge grin when I saw them. 
> 
> *This chapter contains very light smut.*

By the time Sam had returned to the bunker the next day after he had left for Dean and Cas to...work things out *coughdoitinthebuttcough*, he hadn't really been sure what he was expecting to come back to. Sure, Sam could handle the PDA in the kitchen as Dean cooks up some breakfast for him and his new bunk buddy, or the obnoxiously loud sex noises from down the hall late at night. It would definitely take some getting used to, Dean had never really had the same bed mate for that long, or really even been in a relationship, but Sam could let it pass. But _this, this_ Sam _could not handle._ Because as the 6''4 hunter opened the door to the bunker and made his way down the flight of stairs, Sam literally felt his brain short circuit at what he saw next.

Both of the couples' clothing had been scattered randomly across the main room's, among other things that Sam wasn't even sure how they had been moved(freaky angel/demon mojo kink, Sam didn't want to know) and in the center of the mayhem was Dean on his hands and knees as Cas plowed him from behind. Both had either not even heard him return, or really didn't give a damn.

''Fuck, Cas! Harder!"Dean cried out, eyes screwed shut in bliss.

_''No no no no, NO FUCKING WAY!"_ Sam yelled, spinning around as fast as he could go, covering his ears with his massive sasquatch hands. ''I AM- _JUST NO!"_ And with that he raced up the stairs and slammed the door behind him.

Back on the table, Cas had slowed his actions, a frown worn on his face and head tipped to one side in a display of confusion. ''I believe we have upset your brother,''he remarked as Dean gave a snort of amusement from below.

''No shit, Sherlock.''

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few hours later, once Dean and Castiel had finished their...activities...and let everything cool off a bit, Dean decided to give his brother a call.

''You better have fucking sanitized and _burned_ that table,'' the first thing Sam said as he came on the line.

''I like that table,''Dean shot back, trying to keep the chuckle of amusement out of his tone.

''So did I,''Sam snapped. ''And then you and your angelic fuckbuddy decided to _defile_ it.''

''What? You and Crowley wanted us to get together, now we're together? What's the big deal?"

'' _The big deal? THE BIG DEAL?_ ''Dean flinched as Sam yelled into the phone on the other end. ''Is that I just saw my big brother get fucked in the ass by an _angel!"_

Dean sighed, and decided just to drop it. There was no way Sam was letting this one go. ''Are you coming back to the bunker or not?"

''Am I going to arrive to a welcome party of my brother and best friend doing the 69 together?"

Dean sighed internally. ''We'll lay off the PDA, alright man? Now are you coming back or not?''

''...Alright, but we're burning the table afterwards.''

''But the table came with the bunker,''Dean complained. ''It was part of the de-''

''DEAN, WE ARE BURNING THE TABLE AND THAT IS FINAL.''

''...Well, while you're at it you might also want to take our your pyromaniac tendencies on the refrigerator, the confessional,the chair in the dungeon, and oh yeah... Your bed.''

The line was silent. ''...Sam?"Dean said uneasily. ''You still-''

''ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING? _MY BED_? WHAT THE FUCK, DEAN?"

''Well to be fair I thought it was my-''

The line went dead.

Needless to say, Sam didn't come back to the bunker for another three days.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may actually decide to write a third chapter to this, comment if you'd like the idea!  
> Yes I know this could have been written a lot better, but I guess you could say I got caught up in the...heat of the moment. (Dean dies in the background.) Whoops.


End file.
